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How to get through the holidays when your Grieving

Updated: Nov 21, 2018

Some input & ideas on from me, some therapist, and from spirit guides

I knew I wanted to write this around October of this year, I knew it was going to suck hard core to do it. I knew I wanted to include a lot of what I have learned about grief and loss from our guides and from clients who sit in front of me throughout the year, but also from my own personal experience. This will be the third Christmas I'm spending without them. The first two were so raw and f**ked up I couldn't even dream of having any thought that might be helpful to others. But now, year 3, I could toss it around.

As always, take what resonates and discard the rest. I don't claim to be some sort of expert. I talk to dead people on the regular so my ideas and patterns of thinking are going to just BE that at the core, but I also talk to the people left behind regularly, and to them (us) the holidays can feel like a big giant foam middle finger slapping you in the face at the big football game, & you want to just throat punch all the people that are waiving them around, but its not personal. Yep, it's like 8 weeks of that. Its not like your not experiencing these complex feelings all year long, but the celebratory nature of the holidays leaves you feeling worse. Holiday cheer is now sort of lost on me ...It's like the fun got sucked out of my shit and I really just can't... It just magnifies the pain, and the loss, and you start to either want to isolate (been there done that) or if you DO attempt to actually DO stuff you find yourself in some awkward positions taking some unusually long deep breaths in the Target bathroom. (also been there done that) Can you relate?

So I did some research I talked to some therapist friends, and a grief counselor for some thoughts and compiled a few items here that may help you with the flow of the holiday season. I have listed both physically actionable items, and also emotional concepts to keep in mind.

I also decided to do some channeling on the topic of grief to see what spirit had to say about it, and I hope you can appreciate what I have put together for you. It is truly my most sincerest desire that everyone have the best holiday season they are emotionally able to have. Sometimes we just aren't thinking clearly because of the grief and to have ideas laid out in front of you seemed like a helpful concept to me.

The action items

Externalize the Grief : Light a Candle/eternal flame during the holiday season.

Get creative here and add a photo or whatever "stuff" you want. Now I'm not suggesting you make some sort of shrine here (or do I guess if you want?) The idea here would actually be more like a "tip of the hat" to commemorate your loved one, not something to propagate more stress for you and make you fall apart every time you walk by it. Set an extra plate, honor them with prayer before the big meal, or even in private in the morning. One family I was working with made a table cloth where they all drew a funny picture or shared a memory of the deceased members of their family. Every year they added to it and it became a treasured keepsake that was cool because even the kids in the family could participate, they just drew something.

Do it all differently: We did this in my in-laws home after we all suffered a tragic death of one of the siblings. Not many of the traditions were kept as it was just too painful. Shaking things up can literally keep your cellular structure more invigorated, giving you less time and energy to stay in negativity.

The Emo stuff

For the Love of all things, Be GENTLE with yourself. Wanna stay in ? do it. Wanna skip the party ? DO IT. Want HyVee to make the meal this year ? DO IT. There are NO rules, you do what makes your life bearable by any means necessary. Which may include disappointing others in the process, they love you and eventually will understand that you are just taking care of yourself. It's not forever decision if you don't want it to be, The other point I want to make here is : this is not a "victim mentality thing" this is self love. There's a huge difference between the thought process of "I'm so overwhelmed I cant cope with life so I'm going to hide in here for the entire season" and " I'm having a lot of difficult feelings, I need some time alone" Its totally acceptable to not do as MUCH. The holidays will return again next year...and the next...and the do what your ready to do when your ready to do it.

DONT keep shit bottled up inside. There's always someone whos ready and willing to listen! (and if someone offers to help you take them up on it!) If that's not your thing, write a letter and trash it (or don't) there are lots of ways besides talking to integrate & process grief.

Distract yourself with service to others. There's something about being of service to others that can make you feel more connected at a time when you are likely feeling very DIS connected with humanity. I remember feeling like "how can you people be worrying about coupons and decorations when I have lost an entire member of my family!? It seemed so unfair & cruel to me. Grief makes you question your faith, your sanity, pretty much all your core values and past wounds. The distraction of being able to meet someone else's needs can help you feel more in control of an uncontrollable situation & give you that feel good boost.

No one taught us how to handle death. Death makes people uncomfortable, not because they don't care but because no one taught us what to do or what to actually say when someone dies. This can lead to a myriad of strange things coming out of a persons mouth, and that can get pretty freakin' old pretty quick. Even though you are the one in pain, I encourage you to be patient with other well meaning people. Remember that finding words for a grieving person is truly challenging for most people. try to communicate if you need be left alone...and then communicate that its not personal. Advocate for yourself.

Here's some raw truth for you: I have sat with someone whos loved one passed away 20, 30 years ago, and I have sat with someone whos loved one died yesterday. The tears are the same. You will never go back to being "your old self" you are changed forever. The holidays are changed forever as well. You never get over it, you just get used to it. But you do, eventually begin to do things that start the holiday fire burning again. You try to find your new normal, you try to recalibrate. Please try to do it without judgement of yourself or "shoulds" … like you "should" feel something else that your not feeling. This seems like a perfect time to say that your level of suffering after the death is not commensurate with your love for the deceased person. There have been so many healing sessions where I find a belief that goes something like this: "I cant be happy yet, I haven't suffered long enough" "if I recover too quickly, that's being disrespectful" you don't have to suffer to show the dead how much you loved them.

Every single emotion you are feeling is valid, whether its guilt or anger, or sadness, its all a thing. You should go through it and process it, but from the deceased person's perspective, "please, please don't be so hard on yourself "

And If you know someone who is struggling after a loss, here's a tip for you. Don't ask if you can help them, just do it. Find some way to do it. I think its pretty common for people to say "I'm fine... I don't need anything" Maybe that's true maybe they don't need anything. Or maybe they just don't know WHAT they need? Maybe they don't want you to interrupt your life, or they don't want to be a burden. Grief blurs an numbs you and your ability to communicate. I know of few problems that can't be helped by a fresh plate of cookies and the sentence "just checking in"

And if you get the chance to spend time with a grieving person, Don't say anything that sounds remotely like " you need to move on" or "its time to let it go" that is not helpful in any way, and don't pressure them to participate in holiday activities. If it seems like the person is truly isolated themselves and they are not participating in life at ALL, then its time for outside help. Sometimes you don't have to say anything just your presence is enough. The person who is grieving will let you know if they want to talk about it. It just sort of bubbles out of them.

Lastly I wanted to see what input spirit had for me about grief. So I called on my main man Roger, and asked him to hook me up with a specialist in grief . I was introduced to Ezrah, who shared a few things with me to share with you. I asked him for the most important things from his perspective , about humans grief.


"the humans who struggle the most are those who don't believe that life is eternal in some way"

Well I think you know what I might say to this...get ahold of us, we have tools & information at our disposal to provide you with opportunities to explore your belief systems about this. We are spiritual beings having a human experience .

"were there , we promise. talk to us, include us, feel for us "

One of the most impactful things spirit ever said to me was "are you sure it was you thinking about me, or was it me thinking about you?" It works both ways, the difference is awareness.

You know its perfectly natural for you to be basting the ham and talking to yourself anyway, so go for it, talk to the dead instead of yourself, and no one will be the wiser ! lol

This Last part is going to sounds a little flakey, I know, but try to stay with me here I think your going to feel this .

"Like other things in "life" humans have taken on the most difficult and punishing perception of death while they are incarnated as physical humans. Its like that necklace you keep on your shelf Missy, you feel better just in the physical HAVING of it. If someone else would have gotten it, you would have spent your entire life saying "OH if I just could have gotten that necklace I would feel much better about everything " (yes, he's mocking me/us a little here , but I can take it ) and yet, presently it sits.... unused on the shelf like you don't even HAVE it! Out of sight, but still yours, in your possession, and conjurable in a moments notice. The dead are like that too. Were here, sitting on a "shelf " waiting for the moment when you would like to hold us in your mind and savor us for a little while. Like that necklace does ,we can comfort you, we can let you know that you are loved, and that this (separation) isn't forever, physical incarnation doesn't last forever, its only temporary know we will be together again. So while you are incarnated put us on, every day, take us with you, we will experience all things through you while you do them for the rest of your time, and it is our absolute pleasure to do so. Like a beautiful necklace, we will adorn your physical apparatus, and be **EXTRA sparkle if you will just allow it to be so, we are that beautiful extra something in your being-ness. Allow it. Embraaaaacce it and by doing so you will receive more comfort and compliments (positive experiences) than you thought possible"

I love a good metaphor.

You WILL get through this. and you will grow from your experience.

I pray that this message is helpful.. I have imbibed this post with unconditional love and light energy for all who read it. I hope it falls on your open heart and open mind, and if just one sentence helps you get through the upcoming festivities, then I will be so satisfied. The AG Family is here and ready to walk with you in your spiritual journey, to help you feel the loving presence of your transitioned loved one, or to teach you to do that all on your own.

If we can help you at all during this time, please don't hesitate to message us.

Much Love to you.

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